Rediscover Me

When I get really stressed out about stuff, I literally don’t do it until the very last minute. I don’t know why I make things worse for myself, other than I just get so nervous and freaked out that I let that helpless sinking feeling overtake any logic I have in my head about figuring shit out with time. Of course, it’s sort of hard to take care of anything with time when one does not have the money or any fucking idea how they’re going to take care of it when said time comes. 

So. All of the extensions on extensions I’ve made for our bills are just about to end. After tomorrow, the stuff I’ve made partial payments on will not be guaranteed to be connected, and the very, very small amount of money I currently have will not cover anything in its entirety. 

The only glimmer of hope I’ve had has been dangling on when I receive my W2 from work, and considering my boss text me at the fucking crack-ass of dawn back on the 7th requesting my new address to mail that shit out, I would have assumed it was ready or pretty damn close to being ready. But no, it wasn’t. So I have just emailed him requesting status for the billionth time hoping that maybe he’ll actually fucking answer anything about when I’m to get it since he has very obviously ignored every other request I have made no matter how desperate or pathetic it has sounded. 

Oh well, even if I get my W2s, I’m not guaranteed that I’ll qualify for any sort of advance or loan, but I would at least know that there was money coming at some point and it would make me feel a lot better about the increasing realization that I will have to pawn my things of value (Nikon D90) to try to keep electricity running through my house and a phone for communication and water for drinking and bathing purposes. I am freaking out about having to pawn anything because of how frequently my things were taken from me and pawned when I was a child and never returned to me by my dad for drug money, but I’m trying to remember that it’s not what I’m doing it for and that it’s just a temporary fix for necessities my own child needs. 

This shit is not easy, people. Fuck Progress Energy and their god damned monopoly around here, too. I don’t know how that company can stay in business not allowing people any sort of extensions on their electric bills when they know this state is awful at public assistance and keeping people employed. That’s a completely different rant, though. But fuck them. 

Anyway, can you tell I’m really fucking stressed out? So stressed out that I took my kid to school this morning, came home, and went right back to bed because it seemed like the only rational thing to do before my head exploded and I kept puking from stress. But I’m awake now, and still pacing back and forth trying to figure out the best course of action around here for the time being. And it’s making me wish I would’e just kept sleeping.

Being an adult is awesome.