Rediscover Me

Which is awful because then I start to think about my life and experiences with being pregnant before I was even legally allowed to have an alcoholic drink, and there is just no way that I can take myself out of the equation enough to not get all emotional about it. 

I’m a very emotional person as it is, and I suppose that sitting around without school or work or my kids to distract me during the day and after everyone goes to sleep has let some sort of depression seep in that makes it to where I’m constantly crying over everything and nothing at all. There has been something specific that has been internally gnawing at me for a very long time, though…

It seems like everywhere I turn, couples are getting pregnant and/or having babies. Their situations bring back a lot of mixed emotions for me, and memories that I’m not entirely sure I will ever get any closure about. 

My son’s “father” moved out of our apartment when I was barely seven months pregnant. It shouldn’t have affected me at all considering he wasn’t very supportive at any time about the pregnancy, but I don’t know that there is anything harder than having to carry, and bring a child into this world with no emotional, physical, or financial help from a significant other or anyone else, really. I look back at it now, and I have no idea how I had the will or strength to push through it, but I guess when a person is placed in that sort of position, the only thing that can be done is to block out the hurt and trauma as much as possible and continue putting one foot in front of the other. I genuinely don’t believe that I have ever given myself enough credit for being as determined to continue to persevere in that situation and to have done it in the happiest and most self-supportive way as I was able to; I don’t think there is a way that I could ever give myself enough credit for it, honestly.

I’m not saying I never was sad, or that it was a walk in the park, because my God, it was so far from that. And I’m not saying that after he left I was able to pick up the pieces and sever our ties so that he and the actions and decisions he had and was making wouldn’t continue to try to break me. There were so many nights where I lost sleep crying and fighting with him over the phone because of the ultimatums he would give me about choosing between him and my family or the threats he would make about taking us away and never letting my family have a part in my son’s life. Those were the lowest lows and the times where I was almost grateful he was gone. The thing is that even through all of the emotional bullshit, I was able to enjoy my pregnancy, and be so happy to be carrying my son and excited about the fact that I would become a mom— I have never in my life felt more beautiful than during that time, and I think that it really showed in my demeanor. I think the thoughts of my son, and my self-esteem were the only things that got me through all of that. Those were more important than any man could ever be. Especially a “man” like that. 

All of that being said, I struggle so much with the hurt, betrayal, and what at this point must be some sort of overall trauma that I was able to push away in order to get through it all then, now. I feel the rage well up inside of me when I think that I had to drive myself to and from a C-section. That he didn’t even call me before, during, or after to check on me, let alone come be by my side for the delivery. Hell, -I- made the close to five hour drive from my place to his mom’s house so that he could see his son for the first time two weeks after he was born. I can’t help but to feel hate go through me when I think back to being so very pregnant and overwhelmed and scared every single night that I had to be in a lonely apartment. And when I think that I can’t possibly feel anymore hate inside of me for anyone, let alone a person that I loved so much at one time, I think about how in order to deliver my baby, I had to undergo major surgery. Painful and exhausting surgery that required for the person who had just undergone said surgery to be taken care of. Instead, I was alone, and in my care, a helpless little being was placed for me to do everything for along with having to figure out how to care and heal myself. There is very little that is more difficult or worse than being in that situation. Unless someone has had to personally go through that, it’s impossible to comprehend how horrific being in a situation like that is. 

I mean, think about it. Having a newborn, whether you are the mom or the dad, or whoever that is in charge or helping care for that infant, is one of the most challenging and overwhelming experiences ever. Imagine having to do it all literally by yourself. Then imagine having to do it all literally by yourself after having the lower part of your stomach cut from one side to the other. There just aren’t words to how upset I get when I think of how cruel it is that anyone has to go through that. No one deserves to have to know that sort of emotional or physical pain. No one.

It’s heartbreaking that my first experience into being a mother, and the single most important thing I have ever and will ever become in my life had to happen like that.

Despite all of that, I would go through it all over again for eternity if it meant having the privilege to not only become a mother, but to become a mother to the child that I am so unbelievably blessed to have, because out of all of that darkness came the brightest light I have ever had. No matter how much rage or hate or hurt or whatever hits me, I never lose sight of my son coming from it, and it’s truly the only thing that helps me cope with the situation, and the reason that it has never broken me. 

It’s just difficult for me to not feel envy when I hear and see about others that had the experience I would give anything to have or have had. I know it’s irrational but I feel almost jealousy towards them. It’s just bittersweet, I guess. Of course I feel bad about that reaction, and it doesn’t mean that I’m not ecstatic for them but I guess it just means that I have a lot more healing to do when it comes to that part of my life. 

I know there is no clear thought process to this post, but these feelings have been building inside of me for a long time, and I think I just needed to get them out. This is one of the only ways I know how. Thank goodness for that.